As if breakups themselves aren’t hard enough, knowing how to talk to your ex after the no contact rule can be just as painful and frustrating. At this point, it’s normal and fairly likely for you not to feel too great. You’re anxious, your self esteem may be on the decline and it’s natural to feel like a foreigner in your own skin.
I understand this feeling, I’ve been there. However, I also have the opportunity to coach hundreds of people on a monthly basis through their breakups. Particularly, I professionally prepare and position people to get back with their ex’s. If you’re reading this, you may believe that the chances of getting back with your ex seem nearly impossible. You may fear that you’ve lost them for good. In contrast to these fears, you have a higher chance of getting back with the person you love than you’re likely thinking.
Talking to an ex may seem like the scariest thing on Earth right now. However, if you can learn how to talk to your ex before the encounter(s) arise, you’ll be able to handle it sexily and confidently. I promise, it isn’t as hard as it may seem to you in this moment.
How to talk to an ex
There are a few tricks to keep in mind when it comes to talking to your ex. Most of these tricks are universally applicable, and aren’t necessarily to be determined by the type and status of the breakup you’re currently going through.
When it comes to that moment when you realize your ex is near, the first thing to do is NOT act surprised. Do not behave as though you’ve been caught off guard (even though you are!). You must try your very best to stay focussed on what you were doing before – be it speaking with a friend of enjoying a meal. If they notice your fear, you’ve automatically empowered them, and this will give them the upper hand when talking to an ex.
If your ex was the one to break up with you and if the decision to break up is due to their inability to trust you, you should certainly be polite when you see him or her, but make sure that when you get to talking to an ex, you aren’t overly engaged. What this means is, be kind and endearing, but don’t act guilty or overly apologetic. Don’t look at them with sad eyes or slouch your shoulders. It will be important for you take accountability for your behavior while still being strong.
If the breakup wasn’t relating to lack of trust, then the same rules will apply: always be polite, but not overly engaged. An example of this can be, for instance: say hello, say you’re doing well, nod when he or she tells you the same, and then casually excuse yourself to return to whatever you were doing before you noticed them in the room or area. Being concise and confident in this way is critical when it comes to how to talk to your ex.
If you’re wondering how to start a conversation with your ex, remember you don’t have to be afraid and you can initiate conversation, as long as you’re disposition is one of confidence and assertiveness. If your knees are buckling, you may not be ready to initiate conversation and so I would advice you to avoid it. I would rather nothing happen than something bad happen.
If the breakup was initiated by them and it ended on poor terms, maybe it’s wise to let them approach you. Remember, they made the decision to break up! Let them make the decision to say “hello” !
What to talk about with your ex
RULE OF THUMB: If you’re in the position where you end up talking to an ex, WHAT to talk about with your ex is just as important as how to talk to your ex.
Many times, when we find ourselves talking to an ex (especially if we want to get back together), we get so excited we over-extend ourselves. We’re overly polite and trying to make the conversation as long as possible. I advise against this. As perviously mentioned, when it comes to how to talk to an ex and what to talk about with your ex, concise and short conversation is most important.
Well, your ex must see that you’re able to live happily independently of them. They must see that, even though you broke up, your world hasn’t fallen apart. You are still living, you are living well, and nothing can bring you down. As partners (especially for ex’s) this attitude is incredibly attractive. In addition, it also makes them question the value and impact they added and had on your life. This can be positive because, in the same way focussing on them in the room can empower them (as perviously mentioned in this article), them doubting themselves in front of you can empower you. Let the tables turn!
If they ask you what you’ve been up to, remember that you can only be positive in terms of things to talk about with your ex. Make sure not to bring up the job you lost or fight you had with a good friend. Rather, mention the new things you’ve implemented into your daily routine. Maybe it’s a new hobby or place to eat, changes comes in a variety of shapes and sizes. Infusing the element of surprise is key when it comes to how to talk to an ex and how to what to talk about with your ex.
If you’re feeling like your situation is unique and like the above tips on how to talk to an ex don’t apply to you, I encourage you to reach out to me. I’d love to help you determine the smartest and most strategic plan of action so you can re-attract the person you love and value most.
Sometimes our nerves and fear can get the best of us, but I’m here to help you level set your actions and expectations.
I look forward to connecting with you and wish you the very best, always.
Coach Natalie & Alex