letter to an ex

If you’re reading this article, you may be looking for ways to reach out or touch base with an ex after your recent (or sometimes not so recent) breakup. If so, we’re glad you’re here! You’ve come to the right place.
I’m Coach Natalie, and together with my partners, Coach Adrian and Coach Alex, we’ve curated this website and blog to offer a variety of materials geared toward rebuilding the bond you had with your ex.

While you may not feel like you have much hope at the moment, please note that these resources have proven success rates, and that is why we offer them. If there’s something you don’t feel you’re getting from the letter, or if you want to mention your story to see if a letter would work in your situation, I invite you to leave a comment below. I’m excited to learn about what you’re going through and offer my help.

The Perfect Letter to My Ex!

This article in particular is around the timeless “letter to my ex” theme that a lot of us run into after a breakup. We tell ourselves that if we can just romantically communicate all the love we have for them and that we’ll do anything to make it work, then everything will be resolved and we’ll get back together.

Sadly though, based on our professional experience, the traditional romantic route we see in films doesn’t usually have the ending we’re looking for. Actually, it can make the potential of getting back together a lot lower.

In this article, I’ll be writing about why that love letter-type approach to reaching out to an ex isn’t the best idea, and why a DIFFERENT kind of letter IS! The letter you’ll really want to tap into is the “accountability letter”. I’ll discuss what this means and how to pull it off below (this is why you’re in the right place!)

Why Write a Letter

Writing a letter is a great way to reconnect with your ex because it isn’t invasive. It’s a way for you to communicate what it is you want to say, without the yelling or the crying. It’s more subtle and respectful than bombarding them in public or knocking on their door in the middle of the night. Those types of approaches rarely go well, as many of you here know first hand.

A letter is simple. A letter to your ex can be written over the course of a few hours or even weeks, and so your delivery can be clear and not influenced by some spur of the moment impulse (which usually makes us say things we regret).

Lastly, a letter to your ex, when handwritten, is a tender gesture that people often forget about in the high-tech world we live in.

The Point of the Letter

The letter that I’m talking about in this article, contrary to what other sites or coaches suggest, is not a love letter to your ex. I cannot stress this enough, so I will repeat it: This letter is NOT a love letter to your ex. This letter, instead, is an opportunity for you to take accountability for the ways in which you contributed to the dismantling of your relationship. This letter is your chance to step up and say, “Hey, I’m not perfect, but I’ve learned a lot”.

Why We Avoid The Love Letter

The reason this letter is not going to be a love letter is because love letters are dramatic. They are so fueled by emotion and desperation that they can easily overwhelm your ex. They can feel you’re still too emotional to deal with and that your only goal for reaching out is to get back together, which makes all the changes you promise in the letter lack authenticity.

This is a really hard point to come back from, because it will cause your ex to be annoyed with you. No one wants to commit to something that they find to be annoying, right?

(Also : Remember, they were in the breakup too, and it’s hard for them to hear from you – even if they’re the ones who pulled the plug.)

It’s time for your ex to stop viewing you as a source of drama and to remember that despite all the issues the two of you had, you’re friends and get along great!

Therefore, if you strip the emotion from the letter, speak calmly and confidently about yourself, and don’t ask to get back together, you’ll have a much higher chance of getting a response and even making them WANT to see you.

There are Three Main Reasons Why Your Ex Will Reply to an Accountability Letter:

1. The first reason your ex is more likely to reply to an accountability letter than a love letter is because automatically, the pressure is off. If you don’t hound them to get back together, they’ll get the impression that they’re able to speak with you without being cornered into decisions or ultimatums. This, in turn, makes your ex feel that speaking with you can be a casual and easy experience.

It’s in this ease that the spark between you two can happen organically, which will generate the highest chance of success for you and your ex to get back together.

2. The second reason why an accountability letter to your ex boyfriend or an accountability letter to your ex girlfriend will be well received is that it’s unexpected. When your ex receives the letter, they’ll automatically assume its purpose (we can thank movies for that!) is to reel them back into your life.

When you DON’T do this, however, your ex will be caught off guard and will be downright curious to see how you’re doing.

3. The third reason why a letter of accountability will work in your favor is because your ex can let their guard down. Once your ex notices that you aren’t reaching out to argue, debate or get back together, they can relax and let their walls down. The beauty of this is, if their guard were to be up, they wouldn’t even be able to see all the wonderful ways you’ve changed since the breakup.

They’d be too distracted to even notice that you may be a great partner for them for the long run. If their guard is down, they’ll be able to be more receptive, (rather than defensive), to what you have to say and can get a glimpse of this new and improved person that you’ve become since you last spoke.

When to send the letter to your ex boyfriend or girlfriend

Like with most things, timing really is everything, and choosing the moment to send the letter to your ex boyfriend or girlfriend is no different. By waiting a while after your last contact with your ex, your letter will carry more weight and have a bigger impact.

In order for me to explain this, I’m going to use a heavy cigarette smoker as an example.

If we have a smoker who is used to smoking 20 cigarettes a day, and all of a sudden, all 20 are taken away with no opportunity to replenish, the smoker is almost foaming at the mouth for a cigarette. They’re desperate for one. Then, when you give him or her one, they’re in total bliss.

Now, what if we take that same smoker, but this time, give them the opportunity to wean off the cigarettes, from 20 to 15, from 15 to 10, from 10 to 5 and then to 0. Will this smoker feel the withdrawals as badly as the first example? Of course not! It becomes ten times easier.

If we apply this principle to sending the letter, we can see that if we suddenly stop communicating and fall off their radar, and then make a nice entrance via a letter showcasing all the great things we’ve been up to – we’ve got a person foaming at the mouth ready to read every word on every line and in between. However, if we’ve been in regular contact with this person, then the letter is not going to give the recipient the “punch” that we wanted. Make sense?

I encourage you to wait at least a few weeks with little to no contact with an ex before sending this letter if you’d like it to yield the results you’re hoping for. I know that waiting to reach out can be really hard, but make sure to reason with yourself. What’s a few weeks compared to a lifetime with this person? Not too much, right? You can do this. We believe in you. If you need one-on-one support, please feel free to comment under this article and we’ll coordinate a time to speak and work with you.

How long should the letter to my ex be?

This is a question I get very often, and so I wanted to spend some time elaborating on why the length of your accountability letter is so important.

It’s important to have a letter that is not too long in length, because that would show that you’ve spent many hours writing it, which can make your ex feel as though the objective is to rekindle things between you. I feel a letter should never exceed two pages, and that one and a half pages is ideal.

Contact Us to Write the Perfect Letter to Your Ex!

For many clients, the letter is one of the hardest parts to get through. Many doubt their writing skills or doubt if they’re saying the right things the right way. This is where Coach Adrian, Alex and I come in. We have a bunch of tools tailored to writing the perfect letter, including this audio seminar on how to write the perfect letter to your ex.

Additionally, we offer one-on-one coaching sessions, where we can review and edit your letter together. This personalized method undoubtedly yields the highest results because we get to really delve into your letter to your ex boyfriend or letter to your ex girlfriend and can really help.

If you feel as though your questions weren’t answered or if you’re looking for additional information, I invite you to leave a comment below and I will reply soon. Please browse through our blog, as other topics we discuss may be helpful to you on your journey to get back together with your ex.

As always, it’s so wonderful to connect with you all, and I look forward to receiving comments and engaging with you.

Wishing you the very best today and always,

Coach Alex Cormont & Coach Nat

Alexandre Cormont

The author Alexandre Cormont


  1. Hey Natalie,
    My ex broke up with me after 9 years for reasons I NOW understand. I messed up and sent her a desperation text after about a month and a half of no contact. It’s been a month since I messed up sending that text and got no response from her. I’m now trying to write her an email letting her know what’s been going on with me, the changes I’ve made, and I’m just trying to reconnect. I had so much to say my letter is easily over 5 pages. Can you help me with my letter? I’m trying to be patient and continue to work on it as well as myself. I was planning on sending it in October as that would be almost 5 months of no contact. I just wanted to make sure she had time to wipe the negative thoughts of me clean in her head and I wanted to make sure I’ve had enough time to grow and make changes. Thank you Natalie, hope to hear from you soon !

  2. Hi
    I am 20 years old and my girlfriend is 29. We recently broke up because she felt like I wasn’t contributing enough to the relationship based on the fact that we are in two different stages of our lives. “We weren’t a team” and I feel like I took her for granted. I want to change that and show her that I am truly in love with her and I know she feels the same way too.
    Is the no contact rule something that is right for this situation? Haven’t contacted her/each other in a week as of now.
    Writing a letter is something I want to do when I feel like the time is right, when I am a better me.

  3. I have wrote an accountability letter for me ex. Could I send you it for your to have a look maybe u could even use it in your programs. Thanks for your time

  4. Hi my ex said to a friend that he doesn’t miss me. I am having doubts writing the letter. It’s been over 2 weeks no contact. My ex did reach out to me but it was only for a favour.. he never even said hi how are you..
    He blames everything on me can I show that he was in the wrong too in the letter?

  5. I whant to write a letter to my ex girlfriend. She still meand the world to me. It’s been six months since the breakup. We dated for 9 months, we met at work and we started living together straight away. After a while i started taking her for granted and took another job wich split us up cause she was stil at the other jib were we akso lived, it was a hotel. I didnt havr the time and due to my new jib the energy to come visit here everyday. I broke some promices and when she came back from her holiday wich i also was invited to with her parents but couldnt make it because of work. We got into an argument and i left. We still dated for another month but i wasn’t allowed to sleep over anymore. Then finally she broke up with me. I begged and pleaded but i didnt do much good. I havent talked to her in 4 months. Because we got into a fight over whatsapp. I know real smart of me. The last thing she told me is to move on, i wished her all the best with or without me. I tried dating other woman butt she stik is on my mind everyday. Deep in my heart i know she is the one for me and im for her butt i made mistakes wich she initually forgive me for but in the end it was to much. I never cheated but hurt her feelings one to many time. Hope this is enough info. Greetings and kind regards Peter.

  6. Hello, I recently experienced a breakup and want to know more about this letter. Also, I’d like more info on the one on one coaching.

  7. Hi Natalie,

    Your advice seems solid but I’m having trouble writing my letter. Would it be possible to set up a meeting with a coach to go over it?


  8. Please can i know when iam writing the letter to my ex girlfriend i shouldnt what so ever connect the happy beginning we had atyhe start?

  9. I love reading the comments and seeing how many men are owning up to the fact that they took advantage of their girlfriends and now want to make it right. I wish my ex would realize the same thing. We dated for almost a year and a half and have known each other for almost two years. Met at the gym. He works there. We broke up almost a month ago and I haven’t been able to see his face since the night he walked out on me. He broke up with me during an argument because he cannot handle the emotional side of a relationship. My feelings typically would get shut down. I miss him but I miss the good him. But I am extremely hurt on how he pulled the rug out from under me that night after everything I have done for that man. I was thinking of writing him a letter not as a means to get him to even talk to me but as a way for me to get my closure, since he will not give it to me. I want to say what I never got to say to him. Wondering what your thoughts are? I had already apologized to him for my part in what led to the argument but he has taken no ownership for how horrible he treated me that night. I wish he could be like some of the men on here and realize where he went wrong and try to make it better. But he has way too much pride and not enough heart to do something like that.


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