The concept that most of our methodologies surround and stem from is the no contact rule. The no contact rule is designed to help you get back with your ex by separating the two of you for long enough that your ex has the opportunity to question whether or not being without you is the right choice.
For many of you, the no contact rule may seem counterintuitive. You may be asking yourself, “well, if I’m not speaking to my ex, how will I get them back?” or “won’t my ex move on if we aren’t speaking?” Ironically, the answers to these questions are the exact opposite of what you’re thinking.
By taking a step away from the relationship and your ex, they’ll be able to realize what life is really going to be like without you. It’s really easy to feel as though a breakup in necessary, but it’s quite hard to get used to once the reality of the situation has kicked in.
If you’re asking yourself, “why is this technique so effective?” Well, to put it simply, no contact will give your ex the opportunity to really miss you. The reason for this is because, toward the end of the relationship, your ex (or maybe both of you) felt tensions and distress. During the no contact, those negative ideas and feelings will have time to subside, leaving the positive and romantic feelings to flourish and remind the thinker of all the value they got from and out of the relationship. It’s rather strange, but, people tend to generally remember the good over the bad when reflecting on their previous partners.
How long is the no contact rule after a break up
The most frequently asked question I receive around no contact is, “how long is the no contact rule after a break up?” This is an excellent question. After all, you’re putting yourself through hell trying to avoid reaching out to your ex during no contact, right? It’s natural to wonder, “when will this end?”
Frustratingly enough, though, there is no specific answer to when to end no contact. Many websites out there may say “30 days”, “45 days”, “60 days”, but I disagree with these more ‘set-in-stone’ type answers. Why? Well, I feel each and every relationship is unique and so the ways to go about reviving them must also be unique. We can’t necessarily compare a relationship of six months between college students to a 25 year marriage with four kids. This is not to say that one relationship is more important that the other, but each and every relationship deserves it’s own tailored game plan.
This reason is why I emphasize committing to one-on-one coaching with Adrian and I over any other medium. By knowing the intricacies of your relationship, we’ll be able to create a style of no contact that’s applicable to you and can serve to maximize your chances at turning your relationship around.
The no contact rule : a way to feel better after a breakup
Here’s another really important fact about the no contact rule: breaking contact with an ex is as much (if not more) about you than it is about them. During the end of a relationship and throughout the breakup, it’s normal that you feel sad, down, ill spirited, and without confidence. Considering this, it’s critical to recognize that you’re not in the condition to be able to get back with your ex! You need distance to feel better and get over a break up before go back to your ex, as this is the only way to position the relationship to have long-term potential.
By committing to no contact, you avoid mistakes – especially ones associated with begging and pleading for them and their attention back (if you’re already done this, it’s OK, there’s still time to turn it around!). For the first time since the breakup, you’ll really be able to take some time in isolation to think about your mistakes and all the ways you may have contributed to the dismantling of the relationship.
A perk I often tell my clients about no contact rule is that, not only will you have the ability to reflect on your relationship and what went wrong, but you’ll be able to do so without being under a microscope. It’s such a blessing that you’ll be able to undergo this extreme and incredible sense of self realization and transformation without the pressures of someone (especially your most important someone) watching you going through it. Imagine if you had to do all of these things and your ex was able to get glimpses of these changes – it could be embarrassing or unattractive or just plain weird. Be thankful you get to do all of this while on your own! Phew! Let this give you some peace of mind!
Rules of no contact : 5 things you have to do to use this technique
Now, while I previously stated in this article that the no contact rule is relative to each and every couple in terms of when it ends, I must also mention that there are also basic rules to how it works. So, if you’re currently wondering how to go about implementing and maintaining no contact, this section of the article is the one for you.
The rules to the no contact rule after a breakup are as follows:
1/ Don’t stay alone, especially toward the beginning of the no contact rule. You’re already feeling lonely due to the breakup itself and so the last thing you’ll need is complete and total isolation. I encourage you to go to movies with friends, or, if you have work to do at home, try doing it in a public place like a library. Just having people around and nearby can really help you now!
2/ For many of you, social media is a fundamental part of life. During no contact, however, it’ll be really important to avoid social media if you spy on your ex with it. Watching your e will only make it more challenging to incorporate no contact and needless to say, just the visual reminders of them and their activity online (and what it says about their activity in person) may drive you insane. It’s not worth the stress, I promise you.
3/ Rule number three: Exercising can be good during no contact. Exercise is one of the best ways to make yourself feel great. Not only will you physically look better, but it also releases endorphins that can silence thoughts and feelings often associated with depression. To put it simply, exercise can serve as therapy for your head, body and heart.
4/ One of the most important rules of the list is making sure you try a new activity every week for 6 weeks. I know this may seem frustrating and the last thing you want to do, but this rule may make the most difference. Most specifically, it gives you the opportunity to show your ex you’re capable of change AND that even during a breakup, nothing can bring you down. This can let your ex know that you’re capable of producing your own happiness and that you aren’t reliant on them for a great quality of life and a fun out-of-routine routine.
5/ The final rule and likely the most important is to work on your self confidence. You may feel like gaining any sort of confidence right now is nearly impossible, however, it’s actually much simpler than you think. Here’s how it works: in order to generate confidence when you’re feeling lousy, you’ll have to trick your mind into feeling confident until it’s ready to feel it on its own. This concept of “emotion hacking” plays on the idea of “fake it till you make it.” In order to forcefully create confidence, you’ll need to do things that generate it.
For instance, one of the key characteristics of confidence is a sense of achievement. Therefore, if you want to feel confident, then give yourself things to achieve! This can start with something as simple as making your bed, and grow toward larger objectives like running a 5K. If you need help with ideas and goals to achieve, please feel free to reach out to me! I’d love to help you create this plan!
If you find yourself struggling to implement these rules, you could be at risk of doing no contact incorrectly or ineffectively. I invite you to reach out to me if this is the case, and I’ll be able to hash out a strategy that you can follow. While no contact is bound to hurt in some degree or another – we can certainly make it as painful as we possible can.
No contact rule with ex : it’s going to change you !
No contact is one of the strongest methods when it comes to getting back with an ex, and I’ve been able to watch so many who use it get the results they want, where those who don’t use it, don’t get the results they way.
Take, Tyler, for instance. Tyler reached out to me a few months ago trying to get back with his ex. She had broken up with him just a few weeks before and like most, Tyler called and begged to change her mind. Although this approach was unsuccessful, he continued to reach out. When him and I got on the phone for our first session, he expressed his hesitations around no contact. For Tyler, no contact because in his mind, less words meant less love. I want to take a moment to state that I understand this fear. No Contact can seem or feel counterintuitive. However, in Tyler’s case, it was really necessary. Sadly, though, Tyler continued to reach out, and over the course of our coaching journey, had slowly become blocked on just about every platform outside of email. He’s still trying to get her back, today, but with the approaches that he’s been using, his chances are getting less and less realistic.
Then, you take, Kyle. By the time Kyle called me, he was actually in a worse position than Tyler. Kyle was already blocked and his ex swore to him and to herself that she would never be with him ever again. They had been together 4 years. Like Tyler, Kyle was pretty hesitant in going no contact. However, I promised him I’d stand beside him and to just trust me. Together, we developed a game-plan geared toward what he was going to do in no contact to keep himself busy and how to best position himself to catch her attention without having to reach out. Well, it’s been 2 months since we started and Kyle is now prepping for his CONFIRMED first date with his ex since the breakup.
Let these examples illustrate just how much power no contact rule with an ex can provide. It’s usually the most painful paths that yield the best results. I encourage you to use this as a mantra of sorts:
“If it hurts, that means it’s working”
Repeat that sentence to yourself whenever the pains you feel during no contact reach all time highs.
No contact rule after a break up : how to come back to your ex
If you’re reading this article, you’re probably waiting for this part : when and how to reach out to your ex after the cruel no contact has reached it’s end.
No contact is not eternal; you have to talk to your ex after 3 or 4 weeks (or slightly longer, depending on your unique situation) and begin to re-introduce the relationship. This time, however, you’ll be able to implement parameters that promote respect.
Remember, the point of no contact isn’t just about getting your ex back, it is also the time to prepare the ways in which you’ll be able to keep them. The most fundamental thing to focus on here is to restore the sense of respect between you and your ex. Respect, the rule, is important because it’ll ensure that your relationship doesn’t take the bad turn it did the first time around. This is particularly true during the no contact with ex if the previous relationship was verbally, emotionally or physically abusive. Use no contact to help come back with solutions and changes. Without them, there is little point in getting back together, anyway, because you’ll likely end up where you are right now.
When it comes down to how to approach your ex after no contact, it’s usually a positive recommendation to reach out using a letter. This letter, however, is not going to be a love letter. Rather, this is an accountability letter – a piece of writing aimed at acknowledging the ways you contributed to dismantling the relationship and how you’ve learned from them. If you reach out in this way, your ex will know that you’ve utilized the time you’ve had apart to discover things about yourself and by discovering them, you have thereby become able to modify and/or correct them.
In addition to accountability, the letter to your ex should also express a desire to maintain a basic relationship, but a romantic one! If your ex feels like you’re reaching out just to get back together after the no contact rule, they’ll likely think all of your changes were just ploys to get them back. If they feel this, they may react defensively rather than receptively, if they even reply at all.
If you are having difficulty writing this letter or defining the boundaries between romance and contact, I encourage you to reach out to me or my partners, Coach Adrian and Coach Alex. We’ve been fortunate enough to help thousands of people writing the perfect accountability letter every year, and we’d love to help you, too.
Additionally, we also have a product on our website, www.withmyexagain.com, that guides you on how to write your first contact after breakup letter. It offers samples and tips to get it right.
After you’ve sent the letter, I invite you to take a step back. They may not respond immediately; they may need time. If you find that your ex didn’t reply as quickly as you wanted, it doesn’t mean they’re gone for good. It also doesn’t mean that you should reach out again. This is the perfect time to show your parter than you’ve gained control of your emotions. If you open the floodgates of communication, it’ll only further reinforce that they made the right decision in leaving you.
When they respond, take your time in replying. Remember, you’re in control of your emotions now and living with a sense of purpose! A purpose driven life isn’t always available at the drop of a hat!
Try setting a time to meet with your ex after no contact. In this encounter, a great tip is to meet your ex somewhere the two of you haven’t been together. This will allow for you to build a brand new memory – the perfect introduction for the brand new relationship you are about to embark on! Also try to wear something they’ve never seen, or perhaps try a new hairstyle. By doing this, you’ll be able to give your ex the visual indication that time and space has come between you and that you’re no longer the person you were before.
You’ll be able to mention the letter you sent them during your meeting, but try not to stay on this topic for too long. We don’t want your ex to associate the encounter with distress or drama. Rather, we want to remind your ex that fundamentally, beneath all of what has happened in the past, that you two are compatible. Try letting the goal be to laugh as much as possible. Laughter is always a winner!
Don’t let the encounter last longer than one and a half hours. By limiting the length of your engagement, you can leave your ex wanting more of your company. If on the first time you see each other, you hang out for five hours, you may begin to run out of things to talk about or a sense of boredom can occur. Be wary of this, as if your ex feels bored while hanging out, they may let that feeling reaffirm why you two are better off apart. If you aren’t sure if you’ll have the strength to cut your bonding short, I encourage you to set an appointment for yourself that will force you to pull yourself away.
One last tip: avoid drinking. Drinking can lead to anger or lust and both of them have the possibility of triggering a negative or awkward experience that neither of you want to deal with.
If you’ve done no contact correctly, your likelihood of this meeting (and your likelihood of it going very well) should be very high. If they haven’t responded to your letter, don’t worry. We can reach out to them again at a later date, but until then, it’ll be important to reintroduce the no contact rule. If you reach out soon after not getting a response, you may empower them and consequently motivate them to stay away from rekindling the relationship.
Although no contact as a rule seems really scary, I promise you that it will really maximize your chances of getting back with your ex. It truly allows for both persons in the breakup to assess their situation and question whether or not the decision to separate was a wise one.
if you need help with no contact, or with the accountability letter, I’d be glad to help. Please feel free to leave a comment on this article. Share your thoughts or share your story, and we can see what makes sense for you. If you’d like a tailored game plan unique to your situation, I would love to schedule a session with you, where you’ll have the chance to share a detailed description of your situation and we can figure out whether or not the no contact rule is right for you.
The WMEA experts to know how to use the No Contact Rule after a breakup