There are many elements to consider when it comes to turning a breakup around. From the moments immediately after a breakup, to how to implement no contact, to how to reconnect with our ex’s to showcase all the changes we’ve made since the split, we must always be aware of our actions and the choices that we’re making (and just as importantly, HOW we’re going about making them).
Two of the more popular topics I discuss in one on one sessions with my clients is how to get your ex to talk to you again and how to talk to your ex again. Therefore, I wanted to take some time to write a brief article addressing these two topics, for those of you who are interested in self-coaching tools.
This section is particularly addressed to those currently in no contact. Ideally, a decent amount of time has passed since your last interaction (approximately 25-45 days) and you’re feeling good. Since the breakup, you’ve been intensely focussing on personal development and in implementing healthier behaviors to prevent similar issues from your ex from occurring again. If you’ve achieved all of the things I’ve just listed, then it’s time to reach out.
* Note: if you feel you haven’t achieved the above yet, I encourage you to continue reading the article beyond this section, so I delve into ways to expedite this process to get your ready to talk to your ex!
Talking to an ex and have a good conversation
When it comes to how to get your ex to talk to your ex again, it’s all about being up-lifting. Remember, for many of you, the breakup wasn’t the most picture perfect and amicable experience we’ve seen depicted in films. For many most, we beg, plea, text dozens of times, and maybe call a bunch, too. Therefore, when you reach out and go straight into the “let’s discuss the breakup” talk, you’re setting yourself up to be perceived as still in distress. At this stage, the last thing we want when talking to an ex is to be viewed in this way, as we want them to be excited to keep hearing from us, rather than view us as another source of stress in their likely already hectic lives.
Thus, if you want to know how to get your ex to talk to you again, the lighter route will yield a more receptive response than the dense route. Of course, you’ll have to speak about the breakup eventually – but why rush it? Why go straight into the uncomfortable part? Rather, first remind your ex that you are fundamentally compatible and get along. It can be a casual “hey, I just tried this new restaurant and I felt you’d love. The name is “ “, I encourage you to try it”, or maybe mention a museum that just opened in their area or one that is featuring a cool exposition.
The additional beauty of these lighter sorts of approaches is that your ex won’t automatically feel as though your motive for reaching out is just to get them back. This is positive because then you continue to hang onto a sense of power, rather than letting them control the tempo of this new relationship.
If the breakup was a painful and was triggered to deep-rooted issues, than an accountability letter may be a positive way in regard to how to get your ex to talk to your again. In this letter, you point out the ways in which the breakup has helped you learn about yourself. If you’re looking for samples of this approach, I invite you to visit our product page and take a look at the “How to Write the Perfect Letter” item. This can offer an abundance of insight for you. If you feel you’ve already written a pretty great letter but want it to be reviewed prior to sending, please feel free to leave a comment under this article. I’d love to schedule a session to work with you.
Talk to your ex : why is it important !
Now that you’re “in” with your ex in terms of having opened the door to dialogue and/or general communication, it’s going to be important to know how to talk to your ex again.
When it comes to talking to an ex, it’s important to express this newfound sense of confidence that you had the chance to regain during the breakup. Don’t let them feel like you’re hanging on their every word and that your life just hasn’t been complete with out them. I actually want you to exert the opposite type of energy when talking to an ex!
I want them to wonder how much you still want to rekindle with them, and this will make them much more receptive to your outreach and also make them significantly more likely to reach out to you! Try showcasing the confidence even during your first meeting. Make sure to emphasize how life has been treating you well in terms of work, recreational activities and your social life. Remember, people like to date people who live exciting lives. Make sure to illustrate that yours is!
TIP : Showing them that you’ve chanced can also be visual. So, outside of just knowing how to talk to your ex, try wearing something they’ve never seen, or try a new hairstyle. This immediately lets your ex know that time and space and come in between you and that they will need to relearn who it is that you are.
Outside of showcasing how much you’ve changed, it’s also important not to jump right into the breakup when having a discussion with your ex. If you bring up the breakup, it shows that you haven’t moved on and therefore, it’ll be really challenging for you to rebuilding a truly new and strong relationship.
When to start talking to an ex
Many of you reading this article may not be sure if you’re ready to start talking to an ex, and I commend you for questioning yourself on this. It shows a lot of strength to refrain from reaching out and identifying that you may not be emotional or psychologically prepared to open the door to dialogue.
Talking to an ex can be scary. It’s natural to be nervous of messing up or looking/being perceived as anything less than sub-par. This fear in itself can be crippling and so, if you really feel like you’re not ready, then you’re not ready! I would much rather you extend no contact than break it and generate a bad outcome. Don’t rush it! After all, when considering getting back with an ex, what’s a few months (or even a year!) apart relative to a lifetime of happiness, love and respect? Not very much.
If you’re trying to assess if you’re ready, it may mean you haven’t succeeded in getting over the breakup, and getting back with an ex is really dependent on this fact. You must be ok with the chance of not getting them back in order to actually achieve your goal of getting them back. Does this sound counterintuitive? For many, it does. However, what I mean by this is : Getting over a break up means returning to yourself and having a strong sense of self. It’s in this strong sense of self that gives you the confidence to handle interacting with them. So, get over the breakup so you can get the confidence needed to get back with your ex!
All the while, the no contact to an ex has started to rebuild their perception of you. Since you’ve been gone, your ex is already beginning to assume you’ve moved on and so, they no longer have the upper hand in the relationship anymore. This is advantageous for you because we need all the power that we can get!
Your absence will make them wonder where you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re doing it with. This is what makes them likely to be receptive to your outreach. They’re almost be surprised when you decide to reach back out, and all of a sudden, they’re the ones with the butterflies!
How to talk to your ex again
In that first message to an ex, make sure to refer to some of the tips I mentioned toward the beginning of this article. In addition, seek out some samples from our website. We have a pretty high success rate in getting positive responses from our ex’s.
For some, texting or basic messaging may not be the approach that it best suited for your relationship with your ex. In this case, an email or phone call may be better. If you’re opting to call an ex for your first outreach, make sure to spend time practicing it before you dial their number. I want you to be really self assured, and so you’ll need to have a thorough idea of what to say.
During the call to an ex, make sure to keep it light hearted and try to embed some comedy. Laughing is such a symbol of love and compatibility.
Here are a few don’ts and do’s to guide you on that first meeting:
Mistakes not to do with an ex during the first call:
- Don’t mention the breakup. As previously mentioned in this article, mentioning the breakup only illustrates that you’re still really affected by the past and by the past relationship with your ex. It can show, almost immediately, that you haven’t moved on. If the breakup was mean or aggressive, bringing up the breakup may only make the interaction negative. For many couples who do this, they end up going right back into a screaming death match. Therefore, this approach is really not recommended. If you feel as though your situation is unique and could really benefit from breakup conversation, then I invite you to reach out to me. Let’s determine the plan of action that’s best for you.
- Don’t mentioned that you’ve been sad or depressed. Remember, you need to showcase that you’ve been doing really well! If they ask you how you’ve been and you reply with “down in the dumps”, they’ll get the immediate sense that you haven’t truly moved on and in the blink of an eye, they’ve gotten all the power. Once they feel this, the rest of your conversation will be an uphill battle. Trust me on this!
- Don’t mention their new partners. For many of you, there may not be a new partner, and so this rule doesn’t necessarily apply to you. However, for a large percentage, your ex may be seeing someone, and so this is a mistake not to do or make with an ex. If you mentioned this new person, you’ll only further validate the reality of their relationship and therefore make their bond as significant as what you two had. Due to this, it’s important to not bring them up at all. I know this may be really, really hard to do! I get it, you’re curious! But, it’ll likely backfire and then the first outreach wouldn’t have gone as well as what it is you wanted.
- Don’t go straight into asking them to hang out. If you haven’t seen or spoken to your partner in a while (which should be the case, if you’ve been in a correctly implemented “Radio Silence”), then make sure to ease into the next step of the outreach. If you rush too quickly into it, it may scare them and then, instantly, their guard can go up. If their guard goes up, then it won’t even matter what you say next – they won’t hear it anymore. It’s important to take this really easy, as to help them stay receptive and openminded.
What to talk about with an ex
- Your evolution. Imagine – it’s been a while since you’ve spoken or seen each other and now it’s your time to reconnect. Let them see all the hard work you’ve been doing in their absence to better yourself! If you’ve picked up yoga, or changed jobs (and are happier in this new one) or moved out of your old apartment, don’t be afraid to show your ex that you’ve changed and grown since your last interaction. Not only will this make them curious and attracted, but it can also serve as a healthy and positive reminder that time and space has been implemented since the breakup. If they feel this, they can subconsciously see the opportunity of a newer and stronger future.
- Their current situation and lifestyle. Don’t be afraid to ask your ex how their doing. In fact, I would encourage you to spend 50% + on this, as it’s important for you to also determine if your ex is still the person you want to do. In many instances, my clients have been tremendous amounts of change and have truly focussed on their personal development. Then, during the first encounter, they hear that their ex’s haven’t done very much at all. Remember, it’s not just about them getting back with you – but it’s you getting back with them! Make sure they’re worth it!
- If you’ve registered for a 5k next month, or have delved into a new activity, don’t be afraid to showcase this to your ex. This is critical in how to talk to your ex again. Let them know that you’re able to think longterm and interest in things that excite and surprise you. This will likely also excite and surprise them. Maybe they’d even want to join!
During your first encounter, I encourage you to avoid spending too much time with them. I believe that one and a half hours is a decent amount of time for a first meeting. The reason this is so important is because we want to leave our ex’s wanting more. If, on the first meeting since the breakup, you spend six hours together, what will you have left to talk about afterwards? It’s critical that they continue to wonder about what you’ve been up to and how you’re going about your daily routine and business. If you leave just when the groove is coming back into your conversation, they’ll be left longing for your continued company. In many cases, this will prompt them to reach out to you expressing how much they enjoyed the catch up. This move is fundamental in how to attract an ex and how to get your ex to talk to you again.
How to get your ex to talk to you agai
As previously mentioned in the section above, leaving while they’re still interested in interacting can really assist in getting them to reach out. If you feel as though exiting will be challenging (which is totally normal, it’s been a long time since you’ve seen them!), then try setting an appointment that you won’t want to get out of. For instance, maybe try scheduling a session to go pamper yourself for after the meeting. This may be an excellent want to end the encounter and continue on this path of self love and personal development.
If after the first encounter, they don’t reach out. Make sure not to panic. This can happen when trying to get your ex to talk to you again. In these cases, I encourage for you to dip back into no contact. However, this new segment shouldn’t be more than a week or two. Let it be just enough time that they feel as though you’re no longer in constant need of them but also soon enough in time that they can reflect on the positive previous encounter you’ve recently had.
If you do reach out, make sure it’s purpose driven. What I mean by this is, make sure it’s something related to what you’ve recently spoken about. Maybe you mentioned an art piece you liked hanging in the cafe where you two spoke, and you’ve found a link to their online gallery. Or, maybe they loved what they ordered and you have “stumbled” upon a place with excellent reviews that also serves the same dish. If you make your outreach purpose oriented, then they won’t feel threatened or like you’re overdoing communication.
If you need tips on how to keep the conversations going, I ask that you reach out to me or to my partner, Coach Adrian. We help hundreds of people monthly navigate through these same waters of communication and we’d really love to help you, too.
For a lot of us, re-opening the door on how to talk to an ex can be really tough and we can use all the support we can get. Don’t be afraid to ask for help; it’s what we’re here for!
If you feel like your situation is unique and doesn’t apply to the above tips and guidelines, please let me know by leaving a comment in the section below. Please include when you guys met, when you broke up and how the breakup went; and for more in depth advice, try booking a session.
Additionally, if you applied these tips and guidelines to now you’re talking to your ex again, feel free to also leave us your success story below! Please include what tips worked best for you and which didn’t. We’d love to hear about your experience! Helping you learn how to talk to your ex and how to get your ex to talk to you again is one of the things we love doing most in our line of business, so please don’t be shy in filling us in!
Regardless of the need, we’re here to support you and stand by your side. Together, we will develop the right plan for you, tailored to help you get back with the person you love most.
I look forward to communicating with you and to hearing about your current situation.
Wishing you the very best always,